enpe

I've loved so many, but stayed with none.

What happened to me? I don't want you and your infested vagina... go away, slut.

Was the smile a "you're an idiot", "you're very naive" or "you're a good person, I like you"? I don't understand. It really throws me off when I cannot read people. I feel like I made a mistake and by turning you down, you've decided to move on to someone with a personality type that will take advantage of your insecurities/flaws.

Life was easy when I had my own Mexican.

Stop being so melodramatic; There are about 3.5 trillion girls on this planet.

I feel like I need you, it's ridiculous. I felt this way almost 6 months ago and as soon as you said you were moving I slowly got over it. It's every time you're around. I feel the need to tell you absolutely everything, but I can't because I know that you have the personality type that will run once you feel that you have the upper hand. So I pretend that it's only casual and that I only drove that far because I wanted to see what it was like there. We go to a party, I let you do your own thing and I meet a few people, even though I'd prefer to have spent the night in with you.

Life is a big game of poker, I hate it. When can I stop gambling, playing the odds and reading other people? I just want to go all in blind, but based on past experiences I've lost more than I can put in. Then when some one like her comes across I don't know what to do. Do I tell her? Do I write her off like every other girl in my life that I could be close with?

As naive as this sounds I really want to make this work regardless of the distance.

I'm so down... I don't like it.

I've come to the realization that all of the girls I've hooked up with in the past have been due to temporary depression based on the ability to not find any girls with compatible/complimentary personalities until now. I wanted to go out last night and drink this feeling away, but then I started thinking... what the fuck am I doing? I'm so lost in this world, maybe a drink will cheer me up, maybe bringing home some random girl from a bar might help my mood, but why? I'm only further destroying my mind and body with temporary happiness. I want something that will last, and I feel it's you.

As I drive my car with leather seats, infinity speakers, ice cold air conditioner, etc... I pull up to my gated community and complain about my remote not working quick enough to open the gate. I check my E-mail in my apartment with the air conditioner set at 72 and sit on facebook for hours while others can't go to an internet cafe without worrying about being blown up, let alone barely having enough food and water to stay alive.

My roommate blasts her music and bitches when I ask if she can keep it down so I can get a good night sleep while people in the Middle East have to endure the fact that any moment someone could bust open a door with an AK47 and annihilate them while their children watch, steal their children and sell them into some fucked up child sex exchange.

I'm down today and it's merely because I am here and not helping others enjoy life the way that we do in the states.

151 summons the devil through my soul.

I don't understand why being different has always been such a negative in society. I mean do we really have to follow standards and traditions? Try something new, live life... Stop allowing others to keep you from doing what makes you happy. The people that judge you don't truly know how to live life anyway. So tell them to take their doubts and negative thoughts elsewhere, because this is you and they can either live with it or get the f*** out of the way. You only live life once and if you don't live it the way you want you only have yourself to blame, don't be a f***ing sheep.

Cognitive Distortion? I feel an all-in moment coming.

Approximately 13.5 billion years after the big bang, maybe less based on the gravitational pull on light, or time? If we are watching the sun 8 minutes ago right now, why couldn't we watch ourselves sitting behind this computer screen 8 minutes in the future from the sun, or even watching ourselves grow up? In theory it is completely possible, but could a human even handle the G forces it would take to make it to the speed of light in one lifetime? And this is where Stephen Hawkins states that it may be possible with wormholes, considering in theory there is no acceleration and you could already be somewhere else... ridiculous. I'm also thinking Einstein was too far ahead of his time and all of his research on relativity and time travel is probably not too far off from reality.

Having no doubts in any given situation is what I'm working on.

You are the cutest, but I think you need to see a psychologist for a mental evaluation. You've got problems, girl.

I've built up a wall my whole life, but a week with you and it's gone.

I want to live in south Florida.

I love you, but I resent nearly everything you do.

Gotta stop banging those psycho dike hoes.
When I was 5 years old I was fuckin' on my trike yo.

Worth the trip? I think so.

I've been so ready that when I think of the opportunities lost in the past it makes me sick to my stomach. I want the feeling again so illogical and nearly impossible to control, but I'm still waiting. It could have been different if I had thought things through and learned how to react to situations differently, but thinking about if's is never a way to live life. What if's are bullshit, because you can't go back and change them. Make a decision and run with it, it's the only way.

I really hope that this career works out and I start training in the next 30 days. I believe that this is the career for me as it practically outlines everything I want in a career: freedom, great pay, residuals and the ability to help others. When it works out the average first year pay is just over $100,000 a year.

I want to go back to The Pearl and get the girls number in the zebra shirt. Why she has still been on my mind since that night, I don't know. I believe that it's my mind saying "Nick, she could have been it... you wouldn't be in this situation today".

I'm starting to regret things, this is unlike me completely.

I found myself breaking down while packing up my belongings in my apartment while listening to a certain CD. I don't know if it was the CD or me being emo about how lame life will be without my own apartment.

I think I might be depressed, but I almost feel as if I have more than enough reasons to be: No money, increasing debt every day, no close friends, no girlfriend, no car, no freedom, shitty job, etc...

All in all I'm conscientiously happy during the day, but every morning while I'm half awake I don't want to get out of bed as I subconscientiously have nothing to look forward to.

Aside from the above, I love this cruel world despite it's harshness, lack of consistency and my underlying depression.

Life has been quite ridiculous lately. Regardless this is a rude awakening of what I need to not be doing with my life.

Since then I have applied for many reputable companies (Edward Jones, Aflac, Frontier Communications... etc) in hopes of starting a career and having some money to invest so that I'll be able to afford my Ferrari F355 within the next 10 years and that beach house in Puerto Vallarta I've been eying for the past month and a half.

I clearly cannot afford college. I am still waiting on the FAA, but it is taking so damn long I feel that it might just be a lost cause. I know for a fact if I get a job with any of the companies I applied for this week I'll be making much more money than I would in the first two years of being an ATC trainee.

I've noticed that I have dropped the whole sociopath idealism that I believed would be the best way in order for me to be happy. I mean, that's not right. We have emotions, why should I bury them beneath lies?

The worst part is that this has caused many friendships to suffer due to me just blatantly not caring how the friendship ends up. I'm done, I need friends. I'm sick of having thousands of acquaintances from everywhere I want to be a part of some group, not a part of every group. I also want to have friends that call me to just to hang out, not friends that only call to party. I've found that the main social part of my life is out at parties, which is bullshit. This isn't how I want to live life. I should be meeting new people and friends elsewhere, not out at parties.

I also realized where I developed this crazy habit of not caring and it's directly from someone I have loved for quite some time and they are most definitely a sociopath and I just realized it the other day when I typed in sociopath and ended up at this site (http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html) and noticed that it's a description of them almost completely.